cordeliaknits

You fall apart because you're growing

Transitions suck.  This has been a really sad, hard time of packing, bouncing around to different houses, processing, crying, stressing, and mostly feeling lonely.  Thankfully, I have Christmas music to listen to.  I don’t care if it’s early—all my rules go out the window in a crisis, and if there is something (like Christmas music) that can help me to feel better without chemicals or alcohol, then I’m going to use it.

So, lots of Christmas music (the new Tori Amos Christmas album came out today, and it’s lovely!), Christmas crafting, Christmas magazines, apple cider, knitting of gifts, and yes, even some store-bought eggnog are all helping as much as they can.

I keep wondering if I’m making a mistake in moving, but when I really consider it, I still feel like it’s the risk I need to take right now, and I am reminded that no decision needs to be permanent.  I’m going to miss so many people and places, but I need a big change, and no matter what else happens, I will find change in Utah!

I’m excited for winter and snow, for new friends and a new home, and above all, I’m hopeful that this move may help me to do the soul-searching and inner work I desperately need to do right now.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to feel that excitement and hope amid the pain of goodbyes here.

My pastor Pat said something (actually she texted it to me!) a few weeks ago that I need to keep reminding myself of—where there are tears, there is love.  So, all I can say is, there must be a whole lotta love in my life right now!

Blue

Yes, as I have made clear, I have been pretty blue lately, but my mood is (for once) not the subject of this post!  I know it's hard to believe, but I'm actually going to blog about knitting!

Last month I went to the fabulous wedding of my friends Courtney and Amanda in Denver.  I found this beautiful dress at Nordstrom's Rack, but as it was an outdoor wedding in Denver in September, I didn't want to risk being completely sleeveless.  Of course, I couldn't find a cardigan at a similarly amazing discount that would do justice to the dress, so I had no choice but to knit something fast!

Enter the Colonnade Shawlfrom the latest Knitty.  In a lovely soft shade of blue Malabrigo on big needles (13's, I think!), I thought I might have a chance of finishing it in time to wear to the wedding.  (sorry for the blurry night shot)

I had about six days, and though I was madly knitting in my hotel room up to the minute we had to leave for the ceremony, I made it!  A very quick blocking with an iron was all it got--thankfully it wasn't a more complicated lace!

I ran out of yarn a few rows before the cast-off, and since there was green in the dress, I decided to do the last few rows in a funky green yarn I happened to have with me.  It worked out fine, but I plan to rip it out and just cast off the shawl a bit earlier so it's all just lovely blue Malabrigo.

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep this shawl or not.  On one hand, it could come in handy for chilly Utah evenings...on the other, I can think of a few Christmas gift recipients who might wear the color more than I would.  Hmm.  I don't wear light blue much at all, and only a bit of dark blue.  I'm not sure why that is, but maybe I should start?

At any rate, this was a great pattern that knit up quickly, was interesting without being complicated, and only took two skeins of the lovely and affordable Malabrigo Merino Worsted that I love so much.  I would certainly knit it again someday!
 
 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Big change is happening in my life right now.  I have been quiet on the blog for a while, which is probably for the best, since I doubt it would be a good idea to include y'all in the emotional roller coaster that is my life right now.

I know that in my last post I said I wasn't going to make any big decisions this month, but decisions ended up happening anyway.  I am moving to Utah in January, for at least the winter, maybe much longer.  I will still be looking for a church position all over the country, so I may move again in a few months...and I may not.  Everything is up in the air right now, and I'm not making any big promises to anyone for a while.

So, maybe more on that later, maybe not...

But, the really good news is that I'm typing this on my brand new pink laptop!!!  That means soon I will have pictures for you, and will be able to start blogging regularly again!  Hopefully I will have some readers left!

Hope y'all are having a lovely Autumn, and thanks again for your love, support and prayers.  My life is a big ball of sadness and transitions right now, but I am trying to feel hopeful that someday I will be happy again.  Until then, at least I have my knitting!

October...the month of no decisions

Popping in to say hello, from Leslie's new mini netbook!  My home computer is still dead, and though I have plans to get a laptop soon, for now I am limited to my iPod and other people's computers.  So, no pictures of my recent knitting to show you (which, now that I think about it, has all been in Malabrigo Worsted, not surprising, I suppose, since it is pretty much my all-time favorite yarn).  Perhaps I can post soon and just tell you about my knitting, so I can still call this a knitting blog, eh?

In life news, I have decided, upon the advice of those wiser than I, that I will not make any big life decisions this month.  The situation update (without revealing too much personal stuff) is that I have the horrible and wonderful dilemma of having two amazing women in love with me, and I have some big decisions to make in terms of what direction my life is going to take in relation to those women.

Now, I realize that most people have problems that are so much worse than this, that I shouldn't even complain, except that some heartbreak is inevitable, and I just can't stand the thought of breaking hearts (especially my own!).  I am trying to live with as much integrity as possible, be as honest and open as possible, and to figure out who I am and what I want.  These are not easy things.

So, October is my month to breathe, work on taking care of myself and exploring what I want, and doing my best not to pressure myself into making decisions.  Also, I plan to knit a lot!

Thanks for reading and supporting me, and if you have any thoughts to share about who I am, please do share them.  According to my wise pastor Pat, when I figure out who I am, I will be able to decide what I want.

Big Sigh

Hello, my friends!

I am on the road to recovery after what seems like months of being sick (really only a few weeks, but it's been a LONG and hard few weeks!), and although my relationship life is very complicated right now, there are now equal amounts of joy and grief, so at least it's more balanced than it was a few weeks ago.

I'm staying at the lovely home of my friends Nancy and Adriana, which just happens to be in the same neighborhood as my favorite yarn store, so that is a plus, and they have not one, not two, but three bathtubs to choose from for lots of healing and relaxing baths!!  Not to mention the extensive knitting book library and lovely kitchen and secluded backyard... obviously, this is a good place for me to be right now.

I'm taking this week as a sort of retreat week, as I am alone in the house.  My goals are to take good care of myself and not worry about taking care of anyone else's emotions.  I have a lot to think about and figure out about what I want and need and where my life is going.  Not sure why this is such a scary prospect to me, but I'm going to do my best.

I also feel like I need to be pretty private right now.  I just don't have the desire to talk to anyone who might want me to explain, process, make excuses, make decisions, etc.  I've been going to a church for the last few weeks where most people don't know me, and that's been a nice break.  

Unfortunately, my computer (which is still at the trailer) is broken(!), so until I get it fixed, I'm not sure there will be many pictures to show, even though I'm planning on knitting up a storm.  Perhaps I can get some other people to take pictures of my knitting and send them to me?

So, please know that I am doing OK health-wise, and surviving emotions-wise, and I am fully are of how blessed I am to have so many people who love me and want to support me.  If you are the praying kind, this week I need prayers for discernment and clarity and courage.  I'm also quite worried about a few of my friends who are very ill, so just please send up an extra prayer for all those who are sick or in pain, and especially those who are struggling to afford medical treatment.

And please, please, please TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!

xoxoxo, Cordelia

Checking In

 This has possibly been the most dramatic few weeks of my life.  Leslie and I are breaking up, and I was asked to move out of the trailer about a week and a half ago.  I spent a week in a hotel, and the weekend in Utah.  I haven't cried so much or so hard in my entire life...but that's not all!

It started with a cold caught from the babies just a day or so before the relationship drama started.  I stayed sick even after the girls were better, and this past friday I started to feel nauseated and really weak.

Most of my time in Utah was spent resting in bed, trying to drink fluids and eat soup, and resisting my friend's desire to take me to the ER.  It wasn't until I got to the airport and saw a sign listing the symptoms that I realized I probably had the H1N1 virus...a.k.a. SWINE FLU!!!

Les picked me up at the airport, and, seeing how sick I was, asked me to stay at home until I felt better.  I couldn't get a Dr. appointment until last night, at which point I found out that not only did I likely have the swine flu (hence the mask they made me wear!), but I had also developed pneumonia.

The only good coming from that diagnosis is that I now have antibiotics and maybe I can get better soon.  Of course, I'm not working, since I can't expose the babies to this yuck, and so far they are both healthy, so we want to keep it that way!  The problem is that if I don't work, I don't get paid (I'm out of sick days), and it's looking like I might have to take the whole week off, unless I make a miraculous recovery very soon!!

Anyway, I think it's time to go back to bed, though I'm really sick of 'resting.'  Thank you so much for all the well-wishes, prayers and good thoughts.  Keep them coming for both of us. 

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well...

Radio Silence

The blog will most likely be quiet for a while, y'all, due to a major upheaval in my life.

I appreciate all my readers and love you to bits.  I'll update you when I can.

Please pray for me.

-Cordelia

Me and Suz

Some more pics snatched from facebook and other people's cameras!  These are of me and my dear Fest friend Suzanne.  It was so wonderful to see her and catch up, though she's the kind of friend that when we see each other after a year apart, it takes about three seconds to feel like we've never left each other's company!

We also take the cutest pictures together, IMO!

My Fest knitting report is stalled because although I worked on several projects, I hardly finished anything!  I got very close last night to finishing a big pink shawl, only to run out of yarn on the cast-off.  Needless to say, I am feeling discouraged.

I did finish two alpaca hats at fest.  One, I gave to a friend, the other turned out ridiculously big, but kept me nice and warm in the tent at night.

Tutu (not) on Parade!

I know some of you would like to see more pictures from the festival, but unfortunately, I dod not take all that many pictures that I'm able to post in a public blog (due to not having permission from the folks in the pics).

Thankfully, some facebook lovelies took some pictures of me that I was able to save and share with you!  Here's my Friday outfit, meant to be worn in the annual Femme Parade.

These pictures were taken by Julia Cameron Damon!  Thanks, Cam!

Unfortunately, that evening I was tired and achy and it was raining, and instead of marching in the parade, I spent the dinner hour resting in the Worker Health tent.

This outfit worked OK, but the unanticipated problem was that the top was too big after having been stretched by the weight of the skirt!  I had to tighten it at the back with safety pins, and as you can see, it was still not as tight as I would have liked.

The evening ended well, after I changed into a comfy sweatshirt and jeans, drank a bunch of nettle tea (a cure-all!), and enjoyed the amazing Amy Ray in concert, and this outfit was enjoyed by all the moms and kids during my workday.

Home from Home

Michigan was amazing, as it always is, in various ways.  The music I got to experience was great, the friends--old and new--were plentiful (despite my fears), and the weather was mostly perfect.

While I was there, I couldn't imagine why I had been worried about being there, because as soon as I get to the Land, I feel like I never left.  I missed Les, of course, and I missed having clean feet and dry clothes at times, but all in all, it was a great festival.

Now I'm back home in the trailer, and while I was gone, Les put in laminate wood flooring to replace the stinky, gross carpet in the living room.  It makes such a difference!  There is no awful dog smell anymore, the trailer seems bigger, and I don't feel creepy about walking with bare feet inside!  yay!

The babies grew a lot while I was gone, and they are so happy to be back together and with me!  Baby O has been humming with joy for the past two days, and she's been giving Baby M tons of hugs and kisses.  I'm still a bit exhausted from the stress of re-entry into the patriarchal world of fear and greed and noise, but lots of baby cuddling definitely helps.

Today I got my eyebrows and nails done, and I'm starting to feel clean and groomed again, which is a relief!  We are going to see Harry Potter tonight (finally!), and have Mexican food and margaritas, and with that, I will know I am back in California.

Thanks for hanging out while I was gone, and check back soon for more knitting news from the trailer park!